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welcome

yo. ellaine!mae is here. yup, it's her blog. she likes GREEN, screwdrivers and her friends. (L)



meh.
sanctuary.

This blog may be the only sanctuary I have now.

Everything's so wrong. Day by day, everything's falling apart, little by little. And I have no one to rely on anymore. My 'bestfriend' doesn't act as my bestfriend anymore. My confidante is hiding something from me.

I'm starting to lose hope and trust already. Somebody do something before it all disappears. But maybe if it all did disappear, I won't feel hurt anymore..

I'm starting to feel like I can't trust anyone anymore. Somebody stop me. But maybe it'll be the best solution for me..

I've lost all reasons I had to stay here after O levels. Someone bring them back. Or maybe I'm just not meant to stay here.

I can't stay here anymore. This isn't my place. I'm not supposed to be here. I should go back to where I belong. I know that life's not easy. Even if I go back there, I might be facing the same problems. But the difference? I won't feel like I don't belong.

I'm so fucking fed up. I'm not gonna hold back my vulgarities anymore. One, it helps to emphasize my points. Two, it helps to make me feel, at least, a bit better. Three, nobody can tell me to stop. I only asked one person to help me in controlling my vulgarities. And, right now, I'm not sure that person's up for the job. It does involve a lot of talking to me. And you never do already.

You've got other friends with you now. Last time, I was one of the only few. Now that you've got more, you can easily find someone you trust more, right? Someone to replace our ups and downs. Maybe I'm feeling like this because I used to be the only one. Now, there are others.

I really thought that you could be the one. The true best friend that I'd been looking for. Someone who wouldn't leave me and vice versa. Someone who would trust me the most and vice versa. Someone who could say, "Hey, (s)he's my bestfriend!" with no reluctance and vice versa. Guess I was wrong. Guess I'm always wrong.

Or maybe it's me. I'm a bad friend and a horrible best friend. I'm not trustworthy. I backstab and betray. I ditch my friends when they're down. I let everyone down. Hypocrite and never true to my words, I always break my promises. I never care about other people's problems and leave them alone. I never worry about someone else's situation. I'm not worth to be one's bestfriend. Is that really me?

I really do miss you. But there's no point anymore if you don't trust or believe me. I've poured out everything I had to say through this blog, the card and the letter. All these are true.

I thought you cared.
I thought you wanted me to stay after 'O's.
I thought you missed me.
I thought you'd keep the unspoken promise that bestfriend have.
I thought wrong.

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