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yo. ellaine!mae is here. yup, it's her blog. she likes GREEN, screwdrivers and her friends. (L)



meh.
Tired.

I'm very tired now. Emotionally and physically. Before anything else, this post was made through my awesome iTouch. Clap, people. Anyway, back to this.

Hm. Some might say I'm too soft already? I don't really know. What I know is that, this is how I do things. I'm a bipolar idiot who gets angry at you then the next second is guilty about it. But life is full of regrets, isn't it. And this may be one. But as many people already told me, the right decisions can sometimes hurt. And boy, this may be the most right thing that I ever did. GAH. But, some people may think that I'm wrong. That second chances are given to those who matter. The thing is, I don't wanna make anything worse than it already is.

I brought the Tigger today to school. But I had to hide it to prevent myself from looking like a pathetic idiot. All I wanted was to hug it all day. I hope that what I plan to give will have the same value as Tigger has. Though I highly doubt it.

Yes, I'm openly saying all these stuff because I don't believe that he will come here anymore. One, he's angry with me. Two, I'm nothing but a classmate to him now. Three, I have a horrible attitude. Four, all these are emo posts. Five, he'll think that I'm just making excuses and using this to get support from other people. And six, he won't believe anything I say anymore.

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migraine.

I lied.

I was lucky to be able to hold back the tears before reaching the door. A sob was released though. I'm having a migraine. I don't know what to do. It would have been better if I wasn't here.

You don't know the half of what I'm going through. Nobody does. I'm as, if not more, emotionally unstable than Shiyun. Behind this facade, I cry almost every night.

Straight to the heart, I think. I realised how different my nights would be. No more calls. It'll just be me and my emotions alone. I realised that I'm more emotional in the night, yeah. And I usually look for you to comfort me. Too bad everything's changed now. You hate and ignore me now. And I know it's my fault. I pushed you away with that sms. And talking to Michelle just now, I realised that I did it on purpose. Pushing you away, I mean. Sigh. I realised I was lying in that sms too. I looked at the Tigger last night and cried for a good half hour. I'm a pathetic idiot. But it made me realise something. I was tying you down like we were in a BGR. So, yes. It is better like this. Not saying that I want this but saying that it's for the better. I can see that you don't want to do anything. And I can probably understand that. Who was I to demand that you show me that you cared, despite the assurance through words that you did. I really did miss you. But the fact that's slowly sinking in, the fact that I was the one to push you away, I'm actually missing you a lot more even if you're being your normal-bitchy-bastardy self.

I feel hurt and anger alone. You've made your decision and I have no right to make you change it. I still miss you though.

"'end', then you still so sad. Also no point ?~~" Michelle.
:/

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very few knows.

You know, with my grades, I don't think my parents will allow me to go for an expensive overseas trip. Namely, CAMP. Or even, cancel the trip back home to Philippines. ):

I'm very scared. Apart from not being able to go overseas, Mr.Kok says that if I keep failing both math, I can't get promoted to Sec4. Scary, yes? At least there are people helping me by offering to teach me after school. Keyword: OFFER. I didn't force/ask them. Unlike I did to someone.

Thanks, Jamie.
Thanks, Daryl.
Thanks, ShiYun.
Thanks, Bryan.
Thanks, Glen.

On a whole different note,
Thanks, Michelle. We'll cheer up together, yeah? Besides, you're the only one who reads this thing so, BIGBIGHUG for youuuu. (:

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sanctuary.

This blog may be the only sanctuary I have now.

Everything's so wrong. Day by day, everything's falling apart, little by little. And I have no one to rely on anymore. My 'bestfriend' doesn't act as my bestfriend anymore. My confidante is hiding something from me.

I'm starting to lose hope and trust already. Somebody do something before it all disappears. But maybe if it all did disappear, I won't feel hurt anymore..

I'm starting to feel like I can't trust anyone anymore. Somebody stop me. But maybe it'll be the best solution for me..

I've lost all reasons I had to stay here after O levels. Someone bring them back. Or maybe I'm just not meant to stay here.

I can't stay here anymore. This isn't my place. I'm not supposed to be here. I should go back to where I belong. I know that life's not easy. Even if I go back there, I might be facing the same problems. But the difference? I won't feel like I don't belong.

I'm so fucking fed up. I'm not gonna hold back my vulgarities anymore. One, it helps to emphasize my points. Two, it helps to make me feel, at least, a bit better. Three, nobody can tell me to stop. I only asked one person to help me in controlling my vulgarities. And, right now, I'm not sure that person's up for the job. It does involve a lot of talking to me. And you never do already.

You've got other friends with you now. Last time, I was one of the only few. Now that you've got more, you can easily find someone you trust more, right? Someone to replace our ups and downs. Maybe I'm feeling like this because I used to be the only one. Now, there are others.

I really thought that you could be the one. The true best friend that I'd been looking for. Someone who wouldn't leave me and vice versa. Someone who would trust me the most and vice versa. Someone who could say, "Hey, (s)he's my bestfriend!" with no reluctance and vice versa. Guess I was wrong. Guess I'm always wrong.

Or maybe it's me. I'm a bad friend and a horrible best friend. I'm not trustworthy. I backstab and betray. I ditch my friends when they're down. I let everyone down. Hypocrite and never true to my words, I always break my promises. I never care about other people's problems and leave them alone. I never worry about someone else's situation. I'm not worth to be one's bestfriend. Is that really me?

I really do miss you. But there's no point anymore if you don't trust or believe me. I've poured out everything I had to say through this blog, the card and the letter. All these are true.

I thought you cared.
I thought you wanted me to stay after 'O's.
I thought you missed me.
I thought you'd keep the unspoken promise that bestfriend have.
I thought wrong.

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cycle.

The past will always repeat itself.

Last night was probably the only night that I didn't care that my brother could hear me crying. I blame myself and nobody else. I'm sorry for letting you down. I'm sorry for making you lose your trust in me. Right now, I can't remember what I wrote on the letter for you. But know that I meant every single word. It hurt a lot, finding out that you didn't trust me, your bestfriend, anymore. If I can't even maintain the trust of my bestfriend, what use am I? I've always been proud of having you as a bestfriend. Not just because you were a guy but that, other people viewed you as a horrible person. Whereas I saw you as a person that I trusted most. No matter how many people, how terrible and how true what they said about you, I stuck by you. Being one of the few people who saw your good sides, only made me stick by you more. I brushed off the rumours and tell them that you're just my bestfriend, with no hesitation.

I miss talking to you for endless hours. I miss going out with you, having fun wherever we went. I miss walking home with you. I miss playing around with you. Whenever I ask you if you miss(ed) me, it was a way for me to say that I miss you. A lot of things has changed and I don't like it. We're not as close as we used to be.

And maybe that's what pushed me into confiding to other people. I was never happy after talking to you, anymore. Our fights got more frequent and worse, day by day. We talked less and less. I tried so hard, reaching out to you again. I wanted everything back to normal. I wanted my bestfriend back.

But, I guess history always repeats itself. I thought that, after all the fights that we've through, we'll be as strong as ever. But I guess I'm wrong. Like I mentioned, one of the things that I would like to have most is a bestfriend. Basically because, all my previous bestfriends didn't last long. I don't even talk to them anymore. Will you become one of them, too?

It hurts, looking at my most loved BabyTigger now..

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normal.

I don't like this at all.

Was it me? Was it my fault? I want things back to normal, please. I don't want to be so alone. I want to be able to talk to someone about everything, again. I hate the awkwardness between us now. I know I'm being annoying with constantly asking if we can talk face-to-face, but I really want to. We never resolve anything through the phone. In fact, everything gets worse. Are we really drifting apart? Will this end up like all my previous 'bestfriends'? I don't want it to. For once, I want to be proven wrong in the way I see life.

I want my bestfriend back.

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4 times.

(c)2007-2010 ~dhyali

I feel very sad.

I cried 4 times today. 4 fcking times. I'm so tired, I just want to sleep. But nooo. I still have to finish my math homeworks and make some camp planning.

I really loathe math lessons now. I hate it to the core. I want to transfer out of 3e just to get away from math lessons. Stop picking on me. Stop blaming my cca. Stop blaming SC. Maybe if you stop pressuring me, maybe if you just let me stay at my seat where I can easily ask people around me for help, maybe I'll be able to improve and catch up on my work. Stop pinpointing me. I already know that I suck. You don't have to keep reminding the whole class.

Honestly, I don't know why I started crying. Maybe it was because I was worried. Maybe because I couldn't stand watching all of it happen in front, and even between, me. I worry too much.

Breaking news: Make that 5 times. Had my biggest bawl at home. I couldn't help it. When I saw that message, all I could think of was, "Enough, enough! I can't take this anymore! Stop it! I don't want it anymore!" As I locked myself in the room with the lights turned off, I hugged the nearest pillow to my knees as I bawled my head off. I couldn't stop it. I sinked to the floor with only the wall supporting me. I wish I don't have any work to do. I just want to sleep every damn thing off. I think I need YFC this saturday.

"Please. I want--need--to know."
"I'm sorry mae.."

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history.

Meh. I feel lonely again.

Though, it isn't caused by anyone this time. I just feel like it. What's wrong with me? I'm never satisfied with what I have. I think everything is too much for me to handle yet I still want to take on more. My facade has been slowly slipping off. So many people have been asking why I had been so quiet, even Mr.Kok. It always almost makes me cry to have someone ask me that. I'd shake my head and mutter an excuse. I seriously can't understand myself. I know being alone gives you time to think. The space between you and others gives you the space to grow. Lately, I've been trying to get some alone time in school. Constantly going out of the class and heading for the water cooler. Or even going to the staircase. The most recent one would be by the lifts. The peace is wonderful and at the same time, unnerving. I need to get back up. I don't want the past to repeat itself. I don't want to be hated because I'm quiet. I don't want to be hated because I'm having a hard time. I don't want to be hated when I need everyone's support the most.

"I'm just tired."

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woah.

Couldn't help but continue blogging. Meh.

When i need you the most, you're either busy or angry. It may be asking for too much but who else can i turn to? 'Best friend' is not a title, but an obligation. A promise. Ever since that day, I know I've been quiet on the phone. Do you know why? I kept asking myself, do I really mean something to you? Why were you so fast to apologise? Usually, you're not like that. I'm feeling so damn insecure about trust right now and all you do is make it seem worse and worse. I trust you. Please stop making me question that. I'm not asking you to spend all your time with me. I just want you to set aside some time with me. I have so many things to say that I can't tell anybody else, but you don't give me the chance to tell you. I know you've been asking why I've been so quiet lately and I know I haven't been telling you but I want to. And everytime I get the guts to talk to you about it, you need to go. And everytime that happens, I can't stop the tears from coming out. Is this how it feels? To have no one to turn to? To have no one to talk to?

To be lonely?

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