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welcome

yo. ellaine!mae is here. yup, it's her blog. she likes GREEN, screwdrivers and her friends. (L)



meh.
mommaaaaaaaaa.

MOMMA LOVES HER KIDS AND DADDY !
♥ for Daryl.
♥ for Glen.
♥ for Shiyun
♥ for Bryan.
♥ for Yurong.

^(not biasness. it's based on when they became part of my family. HAHAH.)

There. I feel the impact. I hope I did the right thing. :/

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had to.

I did what I had to do.

I feel free but at the same time, guilty. Few may ask, why do you do so much? Hm. Maybe because it was important to me. I wanted to save it so badly, I neglected the other facts. Maybe this really is for the better, even though I may not want it. I didn't choose to lose my trust in you. You pushed me to it.

You say you're not good with words and since action speaks louder than words, show it to me.

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sanctuary.

This blog may be the only sanctuary I have now.

Everything's so wrong. Day by day, everything's falling apart, little by little. And I have no one to rely on anymore. My 'bestfriend' doesn't act as my bestfriend anymore. My confidante is hiding something from me.

I'm starting to lose hope and trust already. Somebody do something before it all disappears. But maybe if it all did disappear, I won't feel hurt anymore..

I'm starting to feel like I can't trust anyone anymore. Somebody stop me. But maybe it'll be the best solution for me..

I've lost all reasons I had to stay here after O levels. Someone bring them back. Or maybe I'm just not meant to stay here.

I can't stay here anymore. This isn't my place. I'm not supposed to be here. I should go back to where I belong. I know that life's not easy. Even if I go back there, I might be facing the same problems. But the difference? I won't feel like I don't belong.

I'm so fucking fed up. I'm not gonna hold back my vulgarities anymore. One, it helps to emphasize my points. Two, it helps to make me feel, at least, a bit better. Three, nobody can tell me to stop. I only asked one person to help me in controlling my vulgarities. And, right now, I'm not sure that person's up for the job. It does involve a lot of talking to me. And you never do already.

You've got other friends with you now. Last time, I was one of the only few. Now that you've got more, you can easily find someone you trust more, right? Someone to replace our ups and downs. Maybe I'm feeling like this because I used to be the only one. Now, there are others.

I really thought that you could be the one. The true best friend that I'd been looking for. Someone who wouldn't leave me and vice versa. Someone who would trust me the most and vice versa. Someone who could say, "Hey, (s)he's my bestfriend!" with no reluctance and vice versa. Guess I was wrong. Guess I'm always wrong.

Or maybe it's me. I'm a bad friend and a horrible best friend. I'm not trustworthy. I backstab and betray. I ditch my friends when they're down. I let everyone down. Hypocrite and never true to my words, I always break my promises. I never care about other people's problems and leave them alone. I never worry about someone else's situation. I'm not worth to be one's bestfriend. Is that really me?

I really do miss you. But there's no point anymore if you don't trust or believe me. I've poured out everything I had to say through this blog, the card and the letter. All these are true.

I thought you cared.
I thought you wanted me to stay after 'O's.
I thought you missed me.
I thought you'd keep the unspoken promise that bestfriend have.
I thought wrong.

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cycle.

The past will always repeat itself.

Last night was probably the only night that I didn't care that my brother could hear me crying. I blame myself and nobody else. I'm sorry for letting you down. I'm sorry for making you lose your trust in me. Right now, I can't remember what I wrote on the letter for you. But know that I meant every single word. It hurt a lot, finding out that you didn't trust me, your bestfriend, anymore. If I can't even maintain the trust of my bestfriend, what use am I? I've always been proud of having you as a bestfriend. Not just because you were a guy but that, other people viewed you as a horrible person. Whereas I saw you as a person that I trusted most. No matter how many people, how terrible and how true what they said about you, I stuck by you. Being one of the few people who saw your good sides, only made me stick by you more. I brushed off the rumours and tell them that you're just my bestfriend, with no hesitation.

I miss talking to you for endless hours. I miss going out with you, having fun wherever we went. I miss walking home with you. I miss playing around with you. Whenever I ask you if you miss(ed) me, it was a way for me to say that I miss you. A lot of things has changed and I don't like it. We're not as close as we used to be.

And maybe that's what pushed me into confiding to other people. I was never happy after talking to you, anymore. Our fights got more frequent and worse, day by day. We talked less and less. I tried so hard, reaching out to you again. I wanted everything back to normal. I wanted my bestfriend back.

But, I guess history always repeats itself. I thought that, after all the fights that we've through, we'll be as strong as ever. But I guess I'm wrong. Like I mentioned, one of the things that I would like to have most is a bestfriend. Basically because, all my previous bestfriends didn't last long. I don't even talk to them anymore. Will you become one of them, too?

It hurts, looking at my most loved BabyTigger now..

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tortoise.

Bryan Lu Zhen Wei's birthday present. (Y)

That tortoise is huge, I tell you. It's shared among 10 people. And since it costs $40, each person only has to pay $4. Best. (Y)
Everyone's feeling so down, including me. Bryan Lu Zhen Wei, Tan Shi Yun, Michelle Lee Hui Si & Glen Kuick Yi Shao ! Cheer up, you people. I know I may not have the rights to say this when I'm.. yeah. But, I really want all of you to cheer up. I see you people everyday and though some of you might not show it in public, I know you're very sad inside. Let me help, okay ? I know the only thing I do, or rather, the only thing I say is cheer up and smile but I really do mean it.
Bryan, you don't have to tell me. And I know that you probably won't but that's okay. I really appreciate everything you've done for me since the very beginning. You really changed my impression of you. Please cheer up, alright little boy ? You're almost like a little brother to me now. (:
Shi Yun, it's not the end of the world. I know you can't/don't tell me some stuff and even though it hurts me, in a way, i'll respect that. Just know that I'm always here to lend you my ear, as well as my shoulder. Need a hug, I'm here. (:
Michelle, I'm here for you. You don't need to care about her. There's plenty of us here to help you and protect you, alright ? We're all ready and willing to help in any way that we can. (:
Glen, make the right decision. I may not have experienced this before but I want to help you. And from what I can see, there's only 3 things you can do. You know those 3. Like what you said, the important thing is that you and your friends know that you did it because it's the right decision for both of you. (:

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mass monday blues.

Happy faces or sad faces?


Today was a serious mass breakdown. I'm seriously pooped. I had to run here and there to check up on people. It's just on instinct, actually. I can't stand to ignore them and do nothing. First it was Michelle, then ShiYun, then Faith, then Daryl, then JieMing, then Bryan, then Glen. What's a girl supposed to do but talk to them? I hate it when I can't do anything, though. Whether it was because it was imply out of my hands, inevitable or just plain that they don't want to tell me what happened. It's very frustrating. I want to be trusted. I want to make them feel better. I'm your friend, people. Even if I can't do anything to make it all go away, I want to help and make you happy. Please know that you can always talk to me.

Don't you trust me?

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definition.

Is this the definition of being happy?


Things are seemingly back to normal. More or less. JunHao's being an ass again, treating me like a guy through the phone. You man-boob.

Apart from that, Bryan and ShiYun's emo-ness is really infectious. More so, because they aren't talking to me about it. I'm not going to force them or anything. I want them to tell me because they trust me. In a stranger's eyes, they all seem like happy people, content with their lives. But to me, they're teenagers that seek my comfort yet all I can say is, "Cheer up". I'm starting to hate myself for repeatedly saying those two words. It's as if it becomes more and more meaningless with every time that I say it to someone. I know those words can't help. I know I want to do more than just sms or tell you that. Let me help. I want to. I want you people to be happy even outside school. I know it's not my place to talk when I can't do the same but that doesn't mean you guys can't. Don't give me an excuse like, "Do it first then I'll do the same" because you guys won't. In fact, I won't either. But I still want you guys to be happy.

You know what? I've made up my mind. I want to be happy, from now on. I just need people to help me with it. I'm gonna be genuinely happy even at home. I'm not gonna let stress pull me down. I'm gonna let my friends pull me up. I'm gonna be as happy as my picture.

To a stranger, you're always happy. To me, I want you to be happy.

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woah.

Couldn't help but continue blogging. Meh.

When i need you the most, you're either busy or angry. It may be asking for too much but who else can i turn to? 'Best friend' is not a title, but an obligation. A promise. Ever since that day, I know I've been quiet on the phone. Do you know why? I kept asking myself, do I really mean something to you? Why were you so fast to apologise? Usually, you're not like that. I'm feeling so damn insecure about trust right now and all you do is make it seem worse and worse. I trust you. Please stop making me question that. I'm not asking you to spend all your time with me. I just want you to set aside some time with me. I have so many things to say that I can't tell anybody else, but you don't give me the chance to tell you. I know you've been asking why I've been so quiet lately and I know I haven't been telling you but I want to. And everytime I get the guts to talk to you about it, you need to go. And everytime that happens, I can't stop the tears from coming out. Is this how it feels? To have no one to turn to? To have no one to talk to?

To be lonely?

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