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yo. ellaine!mae is here. yup, it's her blog. she likes GREEN, screwdrivers and her friends. (L)



meh.
things.

I'm a failure.

Today was a bad day. Not the worst, but definitely bad. And it's about petty stuff too. But even though it's petty, I still can't talk about it to just anyone. Which brought me to thinking, "There are some things that I can't tell you, but there are MORE things that only you can know and understand". Sad, really. Now I can't talk these petty things out. Oh well, gotta move on with life.

You knew something was wrong with me. I know you knew. Everybody else around me came to me and asked what was wrong. You, of all people, know. Yet you showed no concern. I know you wouldn't ask me, especially with all the people around. But I do know that you would have at least sms-ed or called about it. Everything's screwed up now, isn't it? Maybe what I last said to you on the phone was true. "I don't know you anymore".

I'm taking slow and easy steps. It might take longer for me to recover, but at least I won't risk falling down and hurting myself more, again and again. And, who knows? Person might catch up with me and turn me back around, to restart a new beginning.

Flicker of hope.

hot-headed.

Seeing is believing.

You know, maybe I am genuinely lonely. I never find a day, anymore, that I can post about happy things. Sometimes, I wish i was hurt so badly that all my emotions would shut down. That way, I can never feel hurt ever again. There really are times when I wish something like that would happen. I've already given up. And I don't feel the least guilty about it. "It takes 2 hands to clap", anyway. I've been that one hand, constantly swinging around trying to find the other and looking majorly stupid. Now, I've had enough. Seems you're contented enough, anyway. There's no point in asking something that you know you won't like the answer. I'm tired of taking the first step. No, I'm not gonna shut you out of my life. Yeah, I'll acknowledge you. Yeah, I won't ignore you.

I just want you to clap with me.

tears.

I suddenly felt sad. I don't even know why yet the tears couldn't stop..

Even after that, it still feels so hard to talk to you. Even though I miss you, I can't shake off the awkward feeling. I can't believe I caused this. I want to talk to you yet I can't bring myself to ask you to call me. Because I know that you can't. And even if you could, it would only be for a little while. And I feel so stupid and disgustingly desperate, whenever I ask you to meet up with me. It really, really hurts. But I can't bring myself to tell you all these. I'm a coward, that's why. I still don't know what you wanna do. I feel so disgusted with myself for constantly pestering you to hang out when I know you're just gonna decline it. It hurts a lot more now, actually.

I actually want you to see this, but at the same time not. I know you well enough to say that even if you did saw this, you wouldn't mention it to me. I wished you'd see how much this affects me. Maybe then, it'll affect you too. I'm so damn tired, crying about you. Friends are the ones that are supposed to be by your side when you're down. Not the ones causing them. I don't dare to call you 'bestfriend' anymore. You'd think I'm a hypocritic bitch.

What hurts the most is I did all these. Because I'm a girl who is sensitive, insecure, paranoid, emotional and weak. Oh God, weak. Why can't guys understand that?

I actually kept stopping at certain parts because I kept having this gasping-for-air cries. I don;t even need to blink and the tears just kept falling and falling.

I may be important to you, but I'm not the most important.

I really should stop reading Max Lovely! It's about this guy and girl who are bestfriends. And even through their troubles, they're still by each other. One chapter was when the guy started ignoring the girl and the girl's energy and spirit was practically sucked off. I was reading it and crying at the same time. Damn. The guy is so sweet and really shows how much he cares for her.

I'm making an effort so huge, I sound so desperate.
I just want to be happy.
fine.

Fuck.
My.
Life.

In the end, nobody can help me.
worst.

It's official..

First, JunHao.
Then, almost Faith.
Now, Bryan.
All in March.

.. FML.
RAWR.

As expected, everyone's using the title against me. D:
I'M NOT BIG SHOTTTTTTTT, FAITH WONG.

Lot1-ed with Shiyun, Yurong and Bryan. Tsk. The guys have no feminine side, I realised. Me and Shiyun had to help them pick out the presents that they were buying. Was supposed to buy Michelle's present too but I'm broke now. All because of Pizza Hut and Mac deliveries. But it was totally awesome. And the gifts were wayyyy worth it. It was so awesome, giving the seniors their gifts and them saying that it was awesome and sweet and they just loved it. A big round of applause to the 8th Student Council, please. Oh. And, everyone's mocking me for being Head of Discipline. Tsk. Like Faith Wong, Chan Lizhen, Tan Qingfu and many more. Don't you just love these people. HAHAH.

You. Don't. Care.
So I'm not gonna also, anymore.

Tired.

I'm very tired now. Emotionally and physically. Before anything else, this post was made through my awesome iTouch. Clap, people. Anyway, back to this.

Hm. Some might say I'm too soft already? I don't really know. What I know is that, this is how I do things. I'm a bipolar idiot who gets angry at you then the next second is guilty about it. But life is full of regrets, isn't it. And this may be one. But as many people already told me, the right decisions can sometimes hurt. And boy, this may be the most right thing that I ever did. GAH. But, some people may think that I'm wrong. That second chances are given to those who matter. The thing is, I don't wanna make anything worse than it already is.

I brought the Tigger today to school. But I had to hide it to prevent myself from looking like a pathetic idiot. All I wanted was to hug it all day. I hope that what I plan to give will have the same value as Tigger has. Though I highly doubt it.

Yes, I'm openly saying all these stuff because I don't believe that he will come here anymore. One, he's angry with me. Two, I'm nothing but a classmate to him now. Three, I have a horrible attitude. Four, all these are emo posts. Five, he'll think that I'm just making excuses and using this to get support from other people. And six, he won't believe anything I say anymore.

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hungry.

I'm hungry.
I'm tired.
I'm guilty.
I'm sad.
I'm sorry.

I remembered that I owe you a birthday gift, today. I wanna fulfill that. I don't want to feel as if I didn't meet any of my promises to you. As soon as I thought of it, I knew what to buy. Wow. Amazing how I know you so much, yeah?

I was so damn moody and aggravated. I don't know why it kept happening whenever we make eye contact. It makes me wanna leave the place. I think it reminds me of how much I screwed up.

Eyes full of disappointment.
true.

"During the brief moments that our eyes meet, I really hope you think of me." -Facebook group.

And not how much I was a terrible (ex?)(best)friend.
migraine.

I lied.

I was lucky to be able to hold back the tears before reaching the door. A sob was released though. I'm having a migraine. I don't know what to do. It would have been better if I wasn't here.

You don't know the half of what I'm going through. Nobody does. I'm as, if not more, emotionally unstable than Shiyun. Behind this facade, I cry almost every night.

Straight to the heart, I think. I realised how different my nights would be. No more calls. It'll just be me and my emotions alone. I realised that I'm more emotional in the night, yeah. And I usually look for you to comfort me. Too bad everything's changed now. You hate and ignore me now. And I know it's my fault. I pushed you away with that sms. And talking to Michelle just now, I realised that I did it on purpose. Pushing you away, I mean. Sigh. I realised I was lying in that sms too. I looked at the Tigger last night and cried for a good half hour. I'm a pathetic idiot. But it made me realise something. I was tying you down like we were in a BGR. So, yes. It is better like this. Not saying that I want this but saying that it's for the better. I can see that you don't want to do anything. And I can probably understand that. Who was I to demand that you show me that you cared, despite the assurance through words that you did. I really did miss you. But the fact that's slowly sinking in, the fact that I was the one to push you away, I'm actually missing you a lot more even if you're being your normal-bitchy-bastardy self.

I feel hurt and anger alone. You've made your decision and I have no right to make you change it. I still miss you though.

"'end', then you still so sad. Also no point ?~~" Michelle.
:/

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mommaaaaaaaaa.

MOMMA LOVES HER KIDS AND DADDY !
♥ for Daryl.
♥ for Glen.
♥ for Shiyun
♥ for Bryan.
♥ for Yurong.

^(not biasness. it's based on when they became part of my family. HAHAH.)

There. I feel the impact. I hope I did the right thing. :/

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had to.

I did what I had to do.

I feel free but at the same time, guilty. Few may ask, why do you do so much? Hm. Maybe because it was important to me. I wanted to save it so badly, I neglected the other facts. Maybe this really is for the better, even though I may not want it. I didn't choose to lose my trust in you. You pushed me to it.

You say you're not good with words and since action speaks louder than words, show it to me.

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nobody cares in facebook anymore.

MICHELLE! I KNOW YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE READING THIS!

I feel very sad. Even though I'm trying damn hard to cheer up for everyone around me. I know I can't call other people to cheer up when I can't even cheer up, myself. I feel very lonely. I don't know what to do anymore. Should I give up on everything? I seriously don't know what to do anymore. It's feels as if no one is supporting me anymore. With everything that's happening to me, I don't feel as if I have a bestfriend. Does that mean everything's over? Nothing can ever go back already? I'm sad, confused and hurt. I don't know what to do. Everyone's having their own problems so I don't want to burden them with mine. I know there are people supporting me, caring for me, concerning for me and trying to help me. But I can't feel them. I can't feel them anymore. I'm alone in my own world. I wanna be happy. Don't I deserve to be?

I don't like this.
very few knows.

You know, with my grades, I don't think my parents will allow me to go for an expensive overseas trip. Namely, CAMP. Or even, cancel the trip back home to Philippines. ):

I'm very scared. Apart from not being able to go overseas, Mr.Kok says that if I keep failing both math, I can't get promoted to Sec4. Scary, yes? At least there are people helping me by offering to teach me after school. Keyword: OFFER. I didn't force/ask them. Unlike I did to someone.

Thanks, Jamie.
Thanks, Daryl.
Thanks, ShiYun.
Thanks, Bryan.
Thanks, Glen.

On a whole different note,
Thanks, Michelle. We'll cheer up together, yeah? Besides, you're the only one who reads this thing so, BIGBIGHUG for youuuu. (:

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sanctuary.

This blog may be the only sanctuary I have now.

Everything's so wrong. Day by day, everything's falling apart, little by little. And I have no one to rely on anymore. My 'bestfriend' doesn't act as my bestfriend anymore. My confidante is hiding something from me.

I'm starting to lose hope and trust already. Somebody do something before it all disappears. But maybe if it all did disappear, I won't feel hurt anymore..

I'm starting to feel like I can't trust anyone anymore. Somebody stop me. But maybe it'll be the best solution for me..

I've lost all reasons I had to stay here after O levels. Someone bring them back. Or maybe I'm just not meant to stay here.

I can't stay here anymore. This isn't my place. I'm not supposed to be here. I should go back to where I belong. I know that life's not easy. Even if I go back there, I might be facing the same problems. But the difference? I won't feel like I don't belong.

I'm so fucking fed up. I'm not gonna hold back my vulgarities anymore. One, it helps to emphasize my points. Two, it helps to make me feel, at least, a bit better. Three, nobody can tell me to stop. I only asked one person to help me in controlling my vulgarities. And, right now, I'm not sure that person's up for the job. It does involve a lot of talking to me. And you never do already.

You've got other friends with you now. Last time, I was one of the only few. Now that you've got more, you can easily find someone you trust more, right? Someone to replace our ups and downs. Maybe I'm feeling like this because I used to be the only one. Now, there are others.

I really thought that you could be the one. The true best friend that I'd been looking for. Someone who wouldn't leave me and vice versa. Someone who would trust me the most and vice versa. Someone who could say, "Hey, (s)he's my bestfriend!" with no reluctance and vice versa. Guess I was wrong. Guess I'm always wrong.

Or maybe it's me. I'm a bad friend and a horrible best friend. I'm not trustworthy. I backstab and betray. I ditch my friends when they're down. I let everyone down. Hypocrite and never true to my words, I always break my promises. I never care about other people's problems and leave them alone. I never worry about someone else's situation. I'm not worth to be one's bestfriend. Is that really me?

I really do miss you. But there's no point anymore if you don't trust or believe me. I've poured out everything I had to say through this blog, the card and the letter. All these are true.

I thought you cared.
I thought you wanted me to stay after 'O's.
I thought you missed me.
I thought you'd keep the unspoken promise that bestfriend have.
I thought wrong.

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cycle.

The past will always repeat itself.

Last night was probably the only night that I didn't care that my brother could hear me crying. I blame myself and nobody else. I'm sorry for letting you down. I'm sorry for making you lose your trust in me. Right now, I can't remember what I wrote on the letter for you. But know that I meant every single word. It hurt a lot, finding out that you didn't trust me, your bestfriend, anymore. If I can't even maintain the trust of my bestfriend, what use am I? I've always been proud of having you as a bestfriend. Not just because you were a guy but that, other people viewed you as a horrible person. Whereas I saw you as a person that I trusted most. No matter how many people, how terrible and how true what they said about you, I stuck by you. Being one of the few people who saw your good sides, only made me stick by you more. I brushed off the rumours and tell them that you're just my bestfriend, with no hesitation.

I miss talking to you for endless hours. I miss going out with you, having fun wherever we went. I miss walking home with you. I miss playing around with you. Whenever I ask you if you miss(ed) me, it was a way for me to say that I miss you. A lot of things has changed and I don't like it. We're not as close as we used to be.

And maybe that's what pushed me into confiding to other people. I was never happy after talking to you, anymore. Our fights got more frequent and worse, day by day. We talked less and less. I tried so hard, reaching out to you again. I wanted everything back to normal. I wanted my bestfriend back.

But, I guess history always repeats itself. I thought that, after all the fights that we've through, we'll be as strong as ever. But I guess I'm wrong. Like I mentioned, one of the things that I would like to have most is a bestfriend. Basically because, all my previous bestfriends didn't last long. I don't even talk to them anymore. Will you become one of them, too?

It hurts, looking at my most loved BabyTigger now..

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normal.

I don't like this at all.

Was it me? Was it my fault? I want things back to normal, please. I don't want to be so alone. I want to be able to talk to someone about everything, again. I hate the awkwardness between us now. I know I'm being annoying with constantly asking if we can talk face-to-face, but I really want to. We never resolve anything through the phone. In fact, everything gets worse. Are we really drifting apart? Will this end up like all my previous 'bestfriends'? I don't want it to. For once, I want to be proven wrong in the way I see life.

I want my bestfriend back.

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tortoise.

Bryan Lu Zhen Wei's birthday present. (Y)

That tortoise is huge, I tell you. It's shared among 10 people. And since it costs $40, each person only has to pay $4. Best. (Y)
Everyone's feeling so down, including me. Bryan Lu Zhen Wei, Tan Shi Yun, Michelle Lee Hui Si & Glen Kuick Yi Shao ! Cheer up, you people. I know I may not have the rights to say this when I'm.. yeah. But, I really want all of you to cheer up. I see you people everyday and though some of you might not show it in public, I know you're very sad inside. Let me help, okay ? I know the only thing I do, or rather, the only thing I say is cheer up and smile but I really do mean it.
Bryan, you don't have to tell me. And I know that you probably won't but that's okay. I really appreciate everything you've done for me since the very beginning. You really changed my impression of you. Please cheer up, alright little boy ? You're almost like a little brother to me now. (:
Shi Yun, it's not the end of the world. I know you can't/don't tell me some stuff and even though it hurts me, in a way, i'll respect that. Just know that I'm always here to lend you my ear, as well as my shoulder. Need a hug, I'm here. (:
Michelle, I'm here for you. You don't need to care about her. There's plenty of us here to help you and protect you, alright ? We're all ready and willing to help in any way that we can. (:
Glen, make the right decision. I may not have experienced this before but I want to help you. And from what I can see, there's only 3 things you can do. You know those 3. Like what you said, the important thing is that you and your friends know that you did it because it's the right decision for both of you. (:

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4 times.

(c)2007-2010 ~dhyali

I feel very sad.

I cried 4 times today. 4 fcking times. I'm so tired, I just want to sleep. But nooo. I still have to finish my math homeworks and make some camp planning.

I really loathe math lessons now. I hate it to the core. I want to transfer out of 3e just to get away from math lessons. Stop picking on me. Stop blaming my cca. Stop blaming SC. Maybe if you stop pressuring me, maybe if you just let me stay at my seat where I can easily ask people around me for help, maybe I'll be able to improve and catch up on my work. Stop pinpointing me. I already know that I suck. You don't have to keep reminding the whole class.

Honestly, I don't know why I started crying. Maybe it was because I was worried. Maybe because I couldn't stand watching all of it happen in front, and even between, me. I worry too much.

Breaking news: Make that 5 times. Had my biggest bawl at home. I couldn't help it. When I saw that message, all I could think of was, "Enough, enough! I can't take this anymore! Stop it! I don't want it anymore!" As I locked myself in the room with the lights turned off, I hugged the nearest pillow to my knees as I bawled my head off. I couldn't stop it. I sinked to the floor with only the wall supporting me. I wish I don't have any work to do. I just want to sleep every damn thing off. I think I need YFC this saturday.

"Please. I want--need--to know."
"I'm sorry mae.."

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mass monday blues.

Happy faces or sad faces?


Today was a serious mass breakdown. I'm seriously pooped. I had to run here and there to check up on people. It's just on instinct, actually. I can't stand to ignore them and do nothing. First it was Michelle, then ShiYun, then Faith, then Daryl, then JieMing, then Bryan, then Glen. What's a girl supposed to do but talk to them? I hate it when I can't do anything, though. Whether it was because it was imply out of my hands, inevitable or just plain that they don't want to tell me what happened. It's very frustrating. I want to be trusted. I want to make them feel better. I'm your friend, people. Even if I can't do anything to make it all go away, I want to help and make you happy. Please know that you can always talk to me.

Don't you trust me?

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