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yo. ellaine!mae is here. yup, it's her blog. she likes GREEN, screwdrivers and her friends. (L)



meh.
Tired.

I'm very tired now. Emotionally and physically. Before anything else, this post was made through my awesome iTouch. Clap, people. Anyway, back to this.

Hm. Some might say I'm too soft already? I don't really know. What I know is that, this is how I do things. I'm a bipolar idiot who gets angry at you then the next second is guilty about it. But life is full of regrets, isn't it. And this may be one. But as many people already told me, the right decisions can sometimes hurt. And boy, this may be the most right thing that I ever did. GAH. But, some people may think that I'm wrong. That second chances are given to those who matter. The thing is, I don't wanna make anything worse than it already is.

I brought the Tigger today to school. But I had to hide it to prevent myself from looking like a pathetic idiot. All I wanted was to hug it all day. I hope that what I plan to give will have the same value as Tigger has. Though I highly doubt it.

Yes, I'm openly saying all these stuff because I don't believe that he will come here anymore. One, he's angry with me. Two, I'm nothing but a classmate to him now. Three, I have a horrible attitude. Four, all these are emo posts. Five, he'll think that I'm just making excuses and using this to get support from other people. And six, he won't believe anything I say anymore.

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migraine.

I lied.

I was lucky to be able to hold back the tears before reaching the door. A sob was released though. I'm having a migraine. I don't know what to do. It would have been better if I wasn't here.

You don't know the half of what I'm going through. Nobody does. I'm as, if not more, emotionally unstable than Shiyun. Behind this facade, I cry almost every night.

Straight to the heart, I think. I realised how different my nights would be. No more calls. It'll just be me and my emotions alone. I realised that I'm more emotional in the night, yeah. And I usually look for you to comfort me. Too bad everything's changed now. You hate and ignore me now. And I know it's my fault. I pushed you away with that sms. And talking to Michelle just now, I realised that I did it on purpose. Pushing you away, I mean. Sigh. I realised I was lying in that sms too. I looked at the Tigger last night and cried for a good half hour. I'm a pathetic idiot. But it made me realise something. I was tying you down like we were in a BGR. So, yes. It is better like this. Not saying that I want this but saying that it's for the better. I can see that you don't want to do anything. And I can probably understand that. Who was I to demand that you show me that you cared, despite the assurance through words that you did. I really did miss you. But the fact that's slowly sinking in, the fact that I was the one to push you away, I'm actually missing you a lot more even if you're being your normal-bitchy-bastardy self.

I feel hurt and anger alone. You've made your decision and I have no right to make you change it. I still miss you though.

"'end', then you still so sad. Also no point ?~~" Michelle.
:/

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done.

I think I may be finally done about complaining about my 'beloved' bestfriend.
*pui*

Writing helps. Seriously. I've gone back to randomly writing on my notebook, sort of like a diary, and I've felt better. No more complaining about him. Hurkhurk. I'm gonna be a nice bestfriend, from now on. Even if the effort isn't mutual. Meh. Still, thanks for always being there even though i haven't been fair to you this past few days. Just know that I really do care, okay? Gosh, I sound so mushy. Bleugh. But, oh well. You're pissed right now and it's scary talking to you. Can't we go back to how we used to talk? No anger, no sadness, no jealousy and no complaints. Just plain fooling around, joking, gossiping and laughing our asses off. I miss those times. Especially when we talked for hours, non-stop, on the phone. All that was left was my phone bursting into flames. Meh.

I lost my Baby Tigger keychain. I feel mega!sad now that I want to cry. I miss my smallest Tigger. Even though it wasn't given by anyone, I still liked it a lot. It was my very first Tigger and the one that has a lot of sentimental values. I seriously feel like crying.

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