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yo. ellaine!mae is here. yup, it's her blog. she likes GREEN, screwdrivers and her friends. (L)



meh.
girl.

I'm a girl today, HAHAH. :D

Well, boring day at cathecism class today. Had a blast smsing Faith throughout 2 hours of lesson! Basically, that's all I remember from cathecism class. Whoops. Even during mass, I was distracted. Kept watching my cathecism classmate take pictures with his girlfriend. I was on the second floor and I could look at the blocks for cathecism class. They spent about 10 mins there, or more. LOL. I just thought that it was inappropriate, especially since they were in church compounds. Tsk. Oh well.

After a long time, I went to the library today! Hahah! You know what's the best part? I ended up borrowing books that I read before. Awesome, right? I seriously love the authors. Rachel Hawthorne and Meg Cabot. Out of 4 books, I've already read 3.

I'm broke again, because of school. Why can't my parents understand that I have a lot of things to pay for school? You know, I've saved $50 and all that went to God knows where. I'm even getting nagged at for withdrawing from my account. They were the ones who told me to withdraw, in the first place! That's it. I'm gonna starve myself in school, just so I can have enough money for presents and other school stuff. Let's calculate, shall we.
Total money: $72.95
History file: $15.40
Present: $5, if shared. $10 if alone.
Sub-total: $52.55
In conclusion, I still have my savings. Awesome. My one-week allowance of $2.55? Not awesome. Seriously.

Have, BOOMZ.

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KWMS.

Kaichou wa Maid-sama.


Well, look at that. I'm up early! I still have a few more minutes before I go for cathecism class so I'll make this quick.

Ain't that picture the cutest thing ever?! I can't wait until the anime comes out. It's already awesome in manga, I just hope the anime won't ruin it. I'll still love it, though. Hm. Well, that's all I had to say, actually. Gonna update again later. Yeah, yeah.

Don't push yourself.

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definition.

Is this the definition of being happy?


Things are seemingly back to normal. More or less. JunHao's being an ass again, treating me like a guy through the phone. You man-boob.

Apart from that, Bryan and ShiYun's emo-ness is really infectious. More so, because they aren't talking to me about it. I'm not going to force them or anything. I want them to tell me because they trust me. In a stranger's eyes, they all seem like happy people, content with their lives. But to me, they're teenagers that seek my comfort yet all I can say is, "Cheer up". I'm starting to hate myself for repeatedly saying those two words. It's as if it becomes more and more meaningless with every time that I say it to someone. I know those words can't help. I know I want to do more than just sms or tell you that. Let me help. I want to. I want you people to be happy even outside school. I know it's not my place to talk when I can't do the same but that doesn't mean you guys can't. Don't give me an excuse like, "Do it first then I'll do the same" because you guys won't. In fact, I won't either. But I still want you guys to be happy.

You know what? I've made up my mind. I want to be happy, from now on. I just need people to help me with it. I'm gonna be genuinely happy even at home. I'm not gonna let stress pull me down. I'm gonna let my friends pull me up. I'm gonna be as happy as my picture.

To a stranger, you're always happy. To me, I want you to be happy.

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history.

Meh. I feel lonely again.

Though, it isn't caused by anyone this time. I just feel like it. What's wrong with me? I'm never satisfied with what I have. I think everything is too much for me to handle yet I still want to take on more. My facade has been slowly slipping off. So many people have been asking why I had been so quiet, even Mr.Kok. It always almost makes me cry to have someone ask me that. I'd shake my head and mutter an excuse. I seriously can't understand myself. I know being alone gives you time to think. The space between you and others gives you the space to grow. Lately, I've been trying to get some alone time in school. Constantly going out of the class and heading for the water cooler. Or even going to the staircase. The most recent one would be by the lifts. The peace is wonderful and at the same time, unnerving. I need to get back up. I don't want the past to repeat itself. I don't want to be hated because I'm quiet. I don't want to be hated because I'm having a hard time. I don't want to be hated when I need everyone's support the most.

"I'm just tired."

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especially for you.

Neo Jun Hao, read this:

You suck.
I hate you.

The end. :D (L)

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done.

I think I may be finally done about complaining about my 'beloved' bestfriend.
*pui*

Writing helps. Seriously. I've gone back to randomly writing on my notebook, sort of like a diary, and I've felt better. No more complaining about him. Hurkhurk. I'm gonna be a nice bestfriend, from now on. Even if the effort isn't mutual. Meh. Still, thanks for always being there even though i haven't been fair to you this past few days. Just know that I really do care, okay? Gosh, I sound so mushy. Bleugh. But, oh well. You're pissed right now and it's scary talking to you. Can't we go back to how we used to talk? No anger, no sadness, no jealousy and no complaints. Just plain fooling around, joking, gossiping and laughing our asses off. I miss those times. Especially when we talked for hours, non-stop, on the phone. All that was left was my phone bursting into flames. Meh.

I lost my Baby Tigger keychain. I feel mega!sad now that I want to cry. I miss my smallest Tigger. Even though it wasn't given by anyone, I still liked it a lot. It was my very first Tigger and the one that has a lot of sentimental values. I seriously feel like crying.

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woah.

Couldn't help but continue blogging. Meh.

When i need you the most, you're either busy or angry. It may be asking for too much but who else can i turn to? 'Best friend' is not a title, but an obligation. A promise. Ever since that day, I know I've been quiet on the phone. Do you know why? I kept asking myself, do I really mean something to you? Why were you so fast to apologise? Usually, you're not like that. I'm feeling so damn insecure about trust right now and all you do is make it seem worse and worse. I trust you. Please stop making me question that. I'm not asking you to spend all your time with me. I just want you to set aside some time with me. I have so many things to say that I can't tell anybody else, but you don't give me the chance to tell you. I know you've been asking why I've been so quiet lately and I know I haven't been telling you but I want to. And everytime I get the guts to talk to you about it, you need to go. And everytime that happens, I can't stop the tears from coming out. Is this how it feels? To have no one to turn to? To have no one to talk to?

To be lonely?

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hug.

i need a hug.

like, seriously.
doesn't matter if it's a guy or girl. i need a reallyyyyyyyy long hug until i burst crying. and you know what's worse ? everytime i get damn high, someone infects me with their emo-ness. i don't mind cheering people up, really. i've been doing that for the past few years of my entire life. but it'd be really better if they open up to me. it makes me feel like i'm trusted and i like feeling trusted. everyone, please cheer up. once you people cheer up, maybe i can cheer up too.

okay, here's th summary for CT1:
English: could have done better.
SocialStudies: teetering pass-fail.
A Math: fail.
E Math: teetering pass-fail.
History: epic fail. OTL.
Physics: failure.
Chemistry: passable.
Biology: passable.
ain't that freaking awesome ? not. i don't even have a single subject that i'm confident that i'll pass. and i've mugged for everything until late at night. very depressing, you know. ):

i've plenty to blog about. but i don't really feel like continuing anymore. it's funny when i try to cheer up so many people, when i can't cheer myself up.
Tee, cheer up kay ? stop thinking about them. one doesn't seem to care and
one cares a little bit too much already.
Bryan, relax. after the competition, de-stress yourself. you deserve it.
it's after common test, it's all over.
no worries.

well, i don't think i have to worry about questions like, "why are you so quiet?". tonight's phone call(s) will be full of complaints and an angry voice. he won't even notice that i'm quiet. meh.

a lot of people ask, why i still put up with you when i constantly complain about you. don't they know that they've already answered their question ? even though i know all these faults, i'm still friends with you. i enjoy the company in the night and the deaf ear that listens--NOT--to my complaints and problems. sure, i still get surprised when you show signs of concern. well.. you're a guy. i wouldn't expect that, especially from someone like you. but, recently, i don't know what's been happening. maybe i feel insecure or jealous ? sometimes i find myself wishing that we shouldn't be best friends. i find myself picturing a scene where everything crumbles and everything will be forgotten. just like every single time i get a 'best friend'. i kind of expect myself to lose you, as another one. maybe that's why i've been like this. you don't act like my best friend anymore. or maybe i'm being paranoid. but.. i feel lonely.

holy crap. i sound like a despo woman for a guy. please, i'm not. i just hate losing my friends. happened too much already. anyway, just to be clear, I DON'T LIKE HIM. get that blunt fact into your head.

speaking of that, i have an announcement to make ! i don't like anyone anymore ! meaning, i've finally moved on. when ? i didn't notice. but, i am now. too bad people won't believe me even if i tell them. think whatever you like, people. im'ma free of my feelings. (:
lonely//cheerful facade.

i'm deeming this blog safe. clearly, nobody ever passes by here now. oh well. so, yeah. i have a lot of things to talk about actually. one of them being.. dun-dun-dun.. COMMON TESTS !

so, yeah. i know it isn't much, compared to EOY but, have you seen those papers ? it's scary to think that EOY papers will be set much harder than that. i've already, clearly, failed my A math. plus, i'm positive that i'll fail my history too. i wrote a bunch of crap in there. so far, i've only been motivated for my best subjects, english and science. though i haven't taken my physics and biology yet, i can see myself mugging for it. i actually took my study time for history to mug for my chemistry. go figure, why i expect myself to fail. BADLY. sad thing is, as much as i want to be motivated for my E math, clearly, i can't seem to. if not, i won't be blogging now. meh.

second thing, i feel very lonely. no matter how much i might seem to be popular, no matter how many friends i make, no matter how cheerful i may seem to be, i can't bring myself to be genuinely happy. i don't really understand it, myself. my best friend ? yeah. he doesn't really act like it. i actually get tired of listening to you complain about MY friends. you know, i usually just pour everything out to someone but i actually feel like keeping things to myself now. nobody would care to listen, nobody would understand. realizing this only made my motivation lower down. i don't care if everybody suddenly asks, "why are you so emo?". i know that everyone just sees my cheerful facade but i'm really very!lonely inside. while i type this, i'm talking to my best friend who is asking why i'm so quiet, but i also feel like crying. denying that nothing's wrong is so hard. i've grown up, basically. i've learned to keep things to myself, avoiding drama and all the unecessary stuff. basically, talking about will just make me cry more. sigh. i hate feeling so lonely. i wanna be happy. i wanna smile at home, where my mask is off.

i feel so lonely.
why ?